I was going to whine about how much I hated that I was going to have to take the Job-I-didn't-want, when I realized.

No.

I'm NOT going to do this.
I really am not.

It would solve all my problems, but it is a line I won't cross.
This is not the person I want to be. I know. Really know, that if I get on this, whether it turns out good or bad, it will, in the end, be bad for myself. In every thing I can think about, it will be bad. Even if I can get the money, even if I can deal with it (I can) it will, in the end, one way or another, destroy me.

I feel so bad.
...
I'm going to be on my grandma's house tomorrow, hopefully will have all-the-time internet there. Someone has some time to talk with me? I need to talk to someone for a moment.