I hate the dannath thing. I just made it up on a whim, doesn't means anything. Besides, my journal is filled with useless wangst
...
I think I'm going to make another one. But alexdamien.livejournal.com is already taken, and alexanderdamien is way too damn long. Argh, what do I do?
I think I'm going to go for alexanderdamien.  No matter if it's too long.

I’ve been having a problem with my writing. I need themes, and meanings, but all that I come up with seems trite, cliché, old and boring.

I don’t know why.

I have an idea of what I want.

But I don’t know how to get it.

There is something I’m doing wrong here, and I have to solve it. Now. And as fast as possible.

The other day, looking around my laptop for stuff I’d gotten from the internet (I haven’t got one, so I have to download everything to my laptop, remember?) about writing I found something by Holly Lisle. A few articles that suddenly looked different to me from the last time I’d read them. Because I thought I’d gotten them that first time, but as I’ve learned now, things look different when you change and I have changed enough to find that the advice there meant something different to me now.

The first was about Voice. I realized I didn’t knew what my voice was, how it looked like or what the point of it was.

The next ones were a few journal entries from the time when she was having publishing problems and had to, in her words “Reinvent Herself”

Those concepts hit home, and I decided that I would do it. I would find my writing Voice, my Themes and I would Reinvent Myself (capitals just to be dramatic, of course).

I’ve been working on a few exercises, answering a few questions and trying some completely new things (some of them with pretty painful results, like when I tried reading a bunch of poetry. God, the headache was Epic) and will probably be posting some of my results here, so the entries might get a little deep now.

I’m working on this on a notebook so there will probably be photos too. I like photos.

If anyone wants to do the journey with me, that would be nice, but I think anyway I look, this will be pretty lonely work.

Still, I never turn down something that can help me get to know myself better. Or something that can change my current view of the world. So, how did it go?

"Hell-afornia, here I come, right back where I started from..."

Since it is possible that thou mayest depart from life this very moment,

regulate every act and thought accordingly. But to go away from among

men, if there are gods, is not a thing to be afraid of, for the gods

will not involve thee in evil; but if indeed they do not exist, or

if they have no concern about human affairs, what is it to me to live

in a universe devoid of gods or devoid of Providence? But in truth

they do exist, and they do care for human things, and they have put

all the means in man's power to enable him not to fall into real evils.

And as to the rest, if there was anything evil, they would have provided

for this also, that it should be altogether in a man's power not to

fall into it. Now that which does not make a man worse, how can it

make a man's life worse? But neither through ignorance, nor having

the knowledge, but not the power to guard against or correct these

things, is it possible that the nature of the universe has overlooked

them; nor is it possible that it has made so great a mistake, either

through want of power or want of skill, that good and evil should

happen indiscriminately to the good and the bad. But death certainly,

and life, honour and dishonour, pain and pleasure, all these things

equally happen to good men and bad, being things which make us neither

better nor worse. Therefore they are neither good nor evil.

Well...it would solve my problems, but it's also very risky...
Ah, decisions, decisions.

I don't think I could take another night of not sleeping because of the worry like tonight...The worry and desperation are worse than anything I could find...And it's not like I have any feelings against this or anything, but I just don't want to jump in blindly and stupidly into something like this.

Alright, alright, just a few days more.
This weekend. If things crash again this weekend...I'm pretty sure I'll do it. It's not like...well, it'll be difficult, but I think I already know just how bad this is. Hmm, decisions...

Well, let's not worry anymore until I see and understand clearly how bad things are. If they're not as bad as I think they are, if there is a posibility of getting better by this weekend, I'm staying put.

But if things crash, I'll have to act. The time for damage control will be then.
Until then, I will try to get some sleep, try to eat something...But I just can't eat or sleep when I'm like this. And it's breaking me, and I will most definitely NOT stand for that.
I'll try to control the damage by this weekend, yes...